Reflecting on my recent trip to Laos, running workshops and coaching sessions with the ex-pat women, a few ‘lessons’ have occurred to me. This is the first:
#1 People treat us how we train, then allow them to.
Perhaps, like me, you’ve travelled to many countries where bartering is the norm, even a social and cultural delight, cutting and thrusting for the deal, and ideally ending with both sides smiling. If you don’t participate you are scorned and thoroughly fleeced by the local traders. There are other countries where starting ridiculously high and low and meeting somewhere in the middle is not the norm. There is the price (albeit local and foreigner versions for some goods and services), and a second or ‘discount’ price if they really need the sale and/or like the look of you.
One of the things I loved about Laos was being able to wander around without lots of hard sell on every street, but 
it’s changing. Partly due to the rapid increase in investment and business interests of its five border neighbouring countries, and partly due to the increased amount of tourism. We spoil what attracts us in the first place. A bit like those who go to a pretty picnic spot and leave their lunch rubbish behind. And there was some serious ‘littering’ going on in the Luang Prabang night markets. I heard a few too many tourists almost viciously screwing the prices down, even though the goods were already amazing prices and quality, being petty over the equivalent of 50 cents. One stall holder was visibly upset at being told her beautifully hand stitched silk bags were ‘obviously poor quality’ so not worth the money she asked for. Sigh.
- Helpful trader Luang Prabang. Her coffee recommendation is delicious.
The end result is not win-win, and all those ‘deal hunters’ are doing is training the locals to put higher prices on to start, to be disillusioned, wary and hard with foreigners. When we aim to win at the expense of them, then it’s not surprising they respond in kind. People treat us the way we train them to, by our behaviour, language, tone and intention. We can play the bully or play the victim, or stand firm in our own personal power, that is, calm and confident. Have you noticed bullies only pick on those they perceive as weaker? Or in a social group one person seems to be the brunt of all the jokes? If that’s you, consider how you might be allowing it with your behaviour, your body language, your tone of voice, and most importantly, your self talk. What would you like to change? What’s the first step for you?
Remember too, children learn how to treat us from our own behaviour. This includes how we treat them, but also,
even more importantly, how we allow others to speak and act towards us. Oh, I just had a flashback to a supermarket where a woman was yelling at her child, “Don’t you f***ing swear at me you little sh**!” Classic. What’s the first step in retraining them? Usually that’s re-training yourself in self-respect, then modelling acceptable behaviour, and the consequences of the unacceptable. As always, calm consistency works best, and if you are struggling to be calm (ever!) then seek help from someone like me, Sue Lester, who can give you a clean emotional slate and tools to make life easier. Life is too short not to.
- Freshly cooked frogs (that looked like cane toads) Yes, I did ask permission for the photo.
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