What’s your automatic response to tears? Do you feel embarrassed? Do you immediately start to soothe and hush, aiming to stop the tears asap? Do you have a different response if it’s a male rather than female crying? Do you allow yourself to cry, or tightened the grip and shut down the waterworks? Do you, or someone you know, use tears to get their own way, to avoid confrontation or to escape punishment? Emotional blackmail, in other words.
Recently a fellow practitioner asked if she could bounce some ideas off me regarding the most difficult client she’s ever had. The woman dissolved into tears no matter which way the practitioner moved to help her help herself. And the tears worked, the practitioner stopped every time as her own ‘head trash’ around tears and crying came up, so the client successfully avoided having to make changes. The practitioner simply had to reframe what tears meant to herself, so she could stand firm and hold the space for her client – without allowing the avoidance to continue.
I started reflecting on how much my beliefs around tears have changed over the years. I’m no longer embarrassed and very rarely emotionally entangled by tears. I see tears during my head transition coaching sessions as a great sign – of a breakthrough, a sign of trust, or simply relief or release. The burden is about to be lifted, at last! Your tears in the latter two cases are actually the champagne fizzing up as your crew (unconscious mind) celebrate your captain (conscious mind) finally taking action and getting help to let go and grow – to find ways to be happier and more loved and loving.
I think the shift started when I suddenly got it one day that a baby crying when I held it didn’t mean I was wrong, incompetent, useless or not loving. It wasn’t about me at all – in fact, the more I was in my certainty, the quicker baby settled. Check the usual hot, cold, wet, hungry, unfamiliar or uncomfortable position, boredom…and accept that sometimes, only mum will do. And sometimes, they just need a cry to let it all out and get back on even keel. It’s nothing personal.
Likewise as adults or in parenting, let it all out, then get back on even keel. Personal power and living positively is not about botoxing yourself so you walk around with a fixed smile on your face (but not in your eyes). You are human, you experience emotions. Feel, acknowledge then let go. That’s the secret – let go. No need to wallow, to continually rehash or relive. Let it out, learn what you can, then move on to focussing on the next steps towards what you DO want in your life. That’s how you let go and grow. That’s personal power.
If you need help with learning how to do this more effectively, feel free to email or telephone me, Sue Lester on info@growingcontent.com.au or 07 3103 2679 or 0428 128 679 to arrange your time to change now.
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