One of the things I love most about my work coaching is that in every lesson (I meant to type ‘session’) I learn something – about myself, about human nature, different perspectives, new ways to explain and new techniques to create change. I’ve also noticed that no matter what part of the world or social strata my clients live, there are common themes and problems for both men and women. One such problem is when partners have a different perspective on what is and isn’t going well in their relationship. What follows is how “Anne” and I worked through this, and yes, “Anne” is a conglomeration of clients for privacy reasons.
As always, we started by checking in how she’d gone with the coaching tasks from the previous session, in this case, a discussion with her husband about balancing their work/home life differently so Anne felt more appreciated and respected. It hadn’t gone well apparently, and she exasperatedly told me, “He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong, in fact he told me he could write a book about being a good husband!” How often have you heard that before yourself?
Anne understands that the only person she can change is herself, and that her husband will never choose to make changes to his own behaviour when he doesn’t see any need. His needs seem to be being met. So we needed to step into his reality, and have a look through his eyes at what exactly is making him a ‘wonderful husband’. This involved Anne putting aside her interpretation of the situation and his contribution vs her contribution, as we already knew her reality around this issue.
So we went through each aspect of their life together, from his potential perspective, and Anne wrote down each item on his list of being a wonderful husband. We looked at what he provided in material terms, financially, socially, within the family, within their relationship, household and garden chores, gift buying, holiday arrangements, caring for the pets etc. At times it was challenging for Anne, as it could be for you, but just remind yourself it’s not about right or wrong, simply seeing his perspective.
The result was quite interesting. Reading through the list Anne could absolutely see that, yes, he was a wonderful husband in terms of all of those aspects. So then we needed to look at what was missing from her perspective, and that was just two things: recognition of her business success, and physical affection. It’s interesting how often this issue pops up. In jokes and stories in our culture, it is only ever the man who doesn’t have his sexual needs met in the marriage, but in my experience the opposite is equally true, simply not talked about, even between girlfriends. It’s a by product of super busy stressful lives, and a significant contributing factor to couples struggling to conceive.
After brain storming ideas, and discarding the purple feather underwear option, Anne decided that since it was only when her husband became super stressed their relationship felt strained, she would make a commitment to book them both regular time away to recharge together.
Anne also realised she had been hiding her light, her business success, from most people in their family and social network. If she wanted recognition, she needed to start sharing her successes and experience with others. If you are in this situation, be aware it can challenge your partner’s perception of his/her importance and identity in your relationship, and he may be threatened rather than supportive of your success. Consider, is this why you have down-played your success to this point? What action do you need to take in your situation?
Anne’s commitment to herself now is to allow herself to shine, so that others can learn from her experience, and she can enjoy the recognition she so richly deserves. It won’t be an overnight change, but Anne’s resurrected confidence and sense of self worth will stand her in good stead.
When you realise your husband has a totally different perception of his calibre as a husband, and you step into his perspective, what do you see through his eyes? Remember, it’s not about who is right or wrong, simply about understanding what he sees. Once you’ve done that, and ticked off the points you can agree, or at least concede to, see what is left and what is missing. We tend to generalise and tell ourselves the whole relationship or partner is wrong, when it often is only 1 or 2 of our needs not being met. What is it that you are actually really missing?
What can you change or do differently to get those needs met? Is it something you can or need to discuss with him, or something you can quietly implement? Is the discrepancy between what you want and have so much, you wonder if it is even worth trying to change or salvage anything? If you bounce ideas around with a friend or family member, remember they have their own values and perceptions of your husband and what makes an ideal relationships too, so trust your own gut instinct.
Your coach has her/his own values and experiences too, but should be able to put those aside and be more objective for you. To help you gain the clarity, confidence and motivation to do whatever you want to maintain balance and perspective in your relationships and your life overall. After all, your life is right now, not tomorrow, so take steps to enjoy it right now.
Call me if you’re ready to make those changes you want to see in your life, and we can discuss which path will suit your needs best.
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